Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life. It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.Įvery year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. Continue Reading BelowĬhristians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world. Moses, seen here, is about to murder the hell out of an unsuspecting Egyptian. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew." As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher-a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2022
Categories |